Discussion Lists!

Acknowledging and talking about what happened to you is one of the first steps on the road to healing.

[email protected] is a place for former ICoC members to laugh, cry, scream, and otherwise "vent" about the ICoC experience. Current ICoC members and supporters are not permitted to subscribe to this list. You must complete and return a short questionnaire (which we will send you if you decide to put your name in the subscription queue) in order to be subscribed to the list. Former members Sarah M. (Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill, NC, 1989-1994) and Mike P. (Boston, MA and Columbia, SC, 1989-1992) are the owners of this list. Click on the link for icoc_exmembers above and follow the quick instructions in order to place your name in the subscription queue.

[email protected] is a list where family and friends of ICoC members or potential recruits can get advice [tm] and perspective "from the other side of the table." This list is owned by Matt Cramer, who was recruited by the ICoC in Cleveland, OH. Current ICoC members and supporters are not permitted to subscribe to this list. (Hey, if you're an ICoC member, you don't invite critics or former ICoC members to the "party" when you're going through First Principles or "Counting the Cost" with someone, either.)

"alt.religion.christian.boston-church" is an unmoderated Usenet newsgroup whose topic of discussion is the ICoC. Hey, it is said that Al Baird himself lurks on a.r.c.b-c! If you're unfamiliar with Usenet, probably the easiest way to access Usenet is by using DejaNews, a web-based Usenet newsreader. Unfortunately, few ICoC members find it advantageous to discuss the ICoC's beliefs and practices in an open and unmoderated forum, but there are several current ICoC members who do hang out at a.r.c.b-c.

Advice and Random Thoughts for After You've Left the ICoC

Here's some of my own personal advice, for you to take or leave as you see fit:

-- In my opinion, leaving the ICoC is rather like getting a divorce. It's not best to run right out and marry the first new "girl" or "guy" that comes along. Being alone can be scary, but don't give in to fear! Give yourself some time to be alone, decide what you want, then start "dating around" again. Don't rush too quickly into another "committed relationship" with one church.

-- Know in your heart that the ICoC has much to answer for, but that your healing cannot be dependent on their "seeing the light" and apologizing to you. That can't matter to you. You can't change them -- you learned that firsthand. Focus on what you CAN change, and that is YOU! Commit your mind and heart to not only surviving, but THRIVING! in spite of your experience with the ICoC.

-- By leaving the ICoC, you have made an important step: you've taken back the power you gave them to jerk you around. Specifically identify and refute the ICoC teachings that you believe are wrong. This can be a pencil-and-paper exercise, or just in your own head. Be "Prepared to Answer" [tm] anyone who wants to know your reasons for leaving the ICoC. Don't leave the door open for them to manipulate or coerce you again. It's so easy, such a 'pat' answer for them to say, "it's Satan making you doubt," but if you can point to specific examples of what someone said or did that was wrong, it's much harder to blame Satan, eh?

-- So, having said the above, please know that you are not bound to talk to anyone from the ICoC if you don't want to. If you are receiving calls or visits that you don't want, BE CLEAR -- JUST SAY NO. Put the ball clearly in their court in regard to respecting your wishes or not -- they will have to premeditate their choice to regard or disregard your expressed desire to have no further contact with them. If you have clearly stated that you don't want calls or visits and they won't take no for an answer: change your phone number. Call the cops when they show up at your door. Take out a restraining order if necessary. The law gives you the right to safeguard your privacy and the right not to be harassed. You don't owe anyone in the ICoC any explanations.

I personally believe that most rank-and-file ICoC members are in denial about the sect's negative impact on people, but that on a subconscious level, they know EXACTLY why you left. As for the leaders, I believe they know EXACTLY what's to be gained if you stay (insidious control over your every action) and what's to be lost (your warm body in a seat for the "stats," your paycheck) if you leave. Don't play their game. As you no doubt learned, you can't win because 1) they make all the rules, 2) they break the rules when it suits them, and 3) they arbitrarily decide who else can break the rules without being punished.

Every person who "dances away" from the ICoC makes it that much harder for them to continue playing their game. It really pisses them off when they see that you've realized you don't have to stay and play, and that they truly have no power to force you to play. They become petulant, childish, and sometimes, downright mean-spirited. Frankly, it used to give me a certain degree of perverse satisfaction in knowing that I've pissed them off. ;-> Now, I don't care too much anymore, in the sense that in my mind, I don't give them the power to harm me, and I feel that this is indicative of the great degree of healing I'm experiencing as time passes. I am caring less and less what anyone in the ICoC thinks about ANYTHING AT ALL. I don't need their flawed and narrow perceptions in my life.

-- You always have the choice to forgive or not forgive. Forgiveness is great, forgiveness is healthy, yet everyone must learn to forgive in their own way and time. And remember: whether you decide to forgive or not to forgive, those who harmed you are STILL ACCOUNTABLE/RESPONSIBLE for their own actions.

-- If you can't forgive yet, don't head out on a guilt trip about it! Guilt can be the most useless emotion there is. Learn to accept yourself and love yourself just as you are right at this moment. Be honest about "where you're at [tm]" right now, even if it offends some people. Be real. And don't be afraid. God (or A Higher Power) loves you. I know from experience that learning to trust in this love is a hard job for most ex-ICoC members.

-- "Righteous anger" is one emotion, and "bitterness" is another. Don't confuse the two. Reject any attempts that others make to label you as "bitter" if what you are feeling is "righteous anger." ICoC members are in the habit of labeling people as "bitter" because it seems they believe that if they can blame someone else, they don't have to be accountable for their own sins. ICoC members accuse us of this without realizing that they are equally prone to such behavior.